Who Am I?

Written during the fall semester of my Freshmen year.

     I wrote this for a paper that is actually due tomorrow. It's not often papers for school are as emotional. This one was for an assaignment I had to do to create a mission statement for my life. Tell me your thoughts. Keep me accountable- please.


     My name is Gregory Kramer Steward. Gregory is an English form of the Latin word Gregorius, which means 'watchful' and 'alert'. My middle name, Kramer, is a variation of the German word Cramer, which is a definition for a person who 'peddles' (sells merchandise across the land). Finally, my last name, Steward, means 'one who manages another's property' and 'attendant'. Although each of these names may have meanings from books and history, each of my names means something special to me. The name Gregory makes me an individual; it creates vocabulary for people so that when they hear the name Gregory, they can confine a certain amount of actions and a certain personality type that describe me (and no one else). Kramer, is a special name that is very dear to my heart. My great-grandmother (who passed, just this October) married and her last name became Kramer. How I did not realize how special this name was until I became close with my great-grandmother. The name Kramer is a special reminder for me from my great-grandmother (whom I call Grandma II) and it makes me a part of a legacy- history - an ongoing timeline. Last, but certainly not least, the name Steward puts me in a group- a family. People say the people you hang around are the people you become- in my family, this is absolutely true. They are who I hope to become as I make this journey through life. The name Gregory Kramer Steward makes me an individual that is part of a legacy and a family. It defines me in the present (Gregory), the past (Kramer), and the future (Steward).

     Other than my name, my past experience in life plays a major role in who I am today. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with an immense brain tumor (the size of a tennis ball), right next to my brain stem. The best way to remove, I was told, was by surgery. I went into the hospital and four days after my short journey, I was put to sleep so they could remove this tumor from my brain. I woke up (8 hours later) and had total recognition of who I was, where I was (I even knew which part of the hospital I was in), and who was with me. Two days later, I left the hospital. The doctor's had seen my improvement from my inability to move to being able to walk up and down stairs. They were shocked- especially so soon after a major surgery. Little did I know what I had just done. 3 months later, I sat in my room reviewing the entire experience. Second by second ticked by as I thought to myself, "Oh my goodness.. How did I make it through that?" I didn't realize until later that God had given me peace and strength throughout the entire week. Somehow He knew I was going to be okay, and somehow I am still baffled by it. This pushed the question to me: What does He want me to do for my life? Maybe it was a wake-up call. Maybe it was a call. The question remains unanswered, but that doesn't mean I've given up looking for it.

     Less than one year ago, another huge thing happened in my life that made me once again appreciate life- this time not my own. It had been a cold night at work and I had clocked out and was talking to Mom as I was on my way out to my car. She told me to call her when I got home (just to be sure I got home safely). I drove home with the music blasting (as usual). I got home and the dog greeted me warmly and I took her to the back door to let her out. Meanwhile, I picked up the home phone and dialed mom's cell phone number. Nobody picked up. So I called Dad. I received no answer. I called Mom one more time. As I was calling, my grandparents (who live 10 houses down the street from us) beeped in on the other line. I answered and it was my grandfather. He told me to come down to their house. I asked why and he told me he'd tell me when I got there. On the way down there, I said to myself, "Ok. They're ok. I bet they got in a car accident." It was the only explanation as to why they weren't answering their phones. I walked in the door and my grandmother grabbed my hand. My grandfather turned to me and said, "They've been in a car accident- but they are ok." I smiled. Somehow God gave me the audacity and the sense to be ready for this. I went home after that and called my best friend. He came straight to my house to keep me company. I knew I wouldn't get to see my family and would go to church the next morning without them. I stayed up that entire night, watching movies with my best friend and answering any calls that came to the house. When my family came home the next day, it was excitement central. They were all in pain but there was no long-term injuries. It was so good to have them home. The entire situation taught me patience and value. It definitely made me value my family more than I would have otherwise. Again, I said to myself, "God, is this another wake-up call? or just a call that I couldn't understand yet." For some reason I hear Him say to me over and over again, "Just be patient. One day. One day." Anyone who knows me well knows I'm not a patient person. I am struggling with this even today; but I have hope and confidence that one day... one day will come.

     8 months later, I had graduated high school at the top of the class (top 100% to be exact) and was starting my life as a full-time college student. This is when I've made another big leap (no pun intended) in my life. Throughout my classes and my relationships, there have been many lessons on leadership, humility, patience, and many, many others. I have taken two surveys that have helped me put into words who I am. The first one was called the Strengths Quest, and it listed your top five strengths. Mine were as follows: Strategy, Positivity, Woo, Input, and Futuristic. These have created a vocabulary for me and others, and helps me determine how I can help people in the most efficient way possible. The second one I took was the MBTI (Meyer's Brigg's Type Indicator). I was defined as an ESTJ (Extrovert, Sensing, Thinking, and Judging). Some call this the "American" personality and others call it the "Guardian" personality. All of those surveys have helped me in my quest to find out: Who Am I?

     Honestly, I am not sure I want to answer that question. Not because it would be a bad answer or it wouldn't be a 'right' answer; but because if I find the answer to that, I will have no more to learn. I find that to be impossible- especially for one like me who loves to learn new concepts and information. I don't see answering this question as a homework assignment. Nor do I see it as a burden because it cannot be answered. I see it as a challenge- an opportunity to learn and grow. I think, in the end, that is what I want to be. I want to be a man who is constantly on the move- upward; who is constantly reaching this goal that at the same time it is unreachable, there are always new heights to be reached; doors to be opened and new words to be explored. Sometimes it may be a constant battle, but I have no doubt that my God will pick me up when I am down; comfort me when I am scared; love me when I am unloved. All in all, I strive to be an individual which is a part of a legacy and family, an influence that will better improve the efficiency of my life and others, and last (but not least), I never want to be able to fully answer the question: Who Am I?