I've had a lot of thinking to do lately. Life was getting me down... drama with friends, stress from school, monotony of work, etc. Then my life changed through two tragic events, neither of which happened to me.
I was at work and Wilma (a great friend at work) told me about a customer whom she had come through the line. This customer had just found out she had cancer of the lymph nodes.. and admitted she had not cried yet. How can someone that just found out that they had terminal cancer, cancer throughout their body, not be sad about it? I couldn't imagine it.
Another friend of mine told me about a friend of hers who also had something, seemingly terrible, happen to them. This friend's brother was married last week, and had a daughter. He, the brother, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He went into surgery; he never woke up. My heart broke when I heard about this, and many of you know why that would be.
All of a sudden, I find myself angry at my predicament, and almost angry at God. The life of a newlywed and a father was just taken away, and I'm sitting here complaining about how my life is getting me down? A lady who just found out she has cancer of the lymph nodes hasn't cried about it? Doesn't make sense! As I'm sitting in my room, thinking about both of these instances, I start to feel an emotion other than heartbreak that I did not expect to feel. Jealousy. This brother is now alive in Christ. He's in heaven. This lady is not far from it, and she realilzes it. Both of these people are about to have lives that are fully perfect; while I'm stuck here on Earth. How could one not be jealous of that?
I was talking to a friend and she suggested I read some of what Paul tells us in Philippians. As I was reading, I came upon a verse that says it perfectly. Philippians 1:15-18, "It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice."
Bam!! Can you read that again for me? Read it out loud. Make sure you understand what he's saying there! It doesn't matter if you are 'in chains' or not, or even if you are in an insincere state of mind- the important thing is that Christ is preached.
And suddenly, I realize that I'm here for a reason. I may have to suffer for that reason, but I have a job to do, and do that job I must. I realize my jealousy is extremely selfish- and I can feel Satan recoiling at the thought of me admitting my fault. :)
That, in itself, is a beautiful feeling.
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