Insight into Thoughts

My Relevant Paradigm



I’m not going to lie. I don’t know how to write this paper. It seems I have to reach down deep inside myself and pull out words- words that describe me in a way that I have never thought before. I’m writing this paper in dialogue format; a simple letter from me to you (whoever you may be). The grammar may not be the greatest. The form won’t be perfect. What I can tell you is this: the passion behind this paper will be among the most forceful I have ever written. This will not be a close-ended paper. I will not wrap a gift and hand it to you, even if it is nearing Christmas. Instead, I will pose questions; questions that may or may not be answered. I will throw a common conception and turn it around. Of course, none of this can be done without background information. “The past”, as Wendell Berry states it, “is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.”

I’ve grown up in the same community my entire life. I’ve had the same group of friends and my family has been a functional family, as some would call it. There hasn’t been too much strife. There was one time when I was diagnosed with a tennis-ball sized brain tumor, but again, the same friends were there; the same family. I wonder what it would have been like if they had changed from time to time. As I see this same group of friends, though, I see multiple sets of personalities and dozens of different lifestyles. I’ve grown up in the same church since birth. Dr. Reed, the former pastor of my church and president of my university, dedicated me. He asked the entire congregation if they would help in raising me along with my two wonderful parents. They agreed. Most people my age, I would guess, have a mindset that the older generations are not relevant to their generation; I would stand on the entire opposite side of that statement. Without knowing and understanding those who have come before us, how can we define ourselves? We only know how to create fire because cavemen, thousands of years ago, took a risk and tried something new. My church has definitely been that caveman for me; being a part of something as large as my church is a wonderful feeling, whether it is through heartbreak or triumph. We’ve tried new things; they haven’t always worked out, but we care enough about each other to keep trying new things.

I cannot describe how much my parents mean to me. This sounds entirely too cliché, but my parents are some of my greatest role models. My mom has taught me what it means to take charge and hold of a situation. She has also taught me a little of what love means; most of that cannot be put into words. My dad has taught me that the right way isn’t always the way that seems most obvious. I think a lot of my ‘strategery’ comes from him; such as the chess games we used to play when I was a kid, the business ideas we would create as I got older, and simply tackling life’s obstacles together.

Tom Middendorf is yet another example of leadership that was, is, and hopefully will forever be in my life (and no, this is not a plug for extra credit in the paper… although if you wanted to, it wouldn’t be unreasonable). If there is any one person I have processed life with the most, it would be him without a doubt. Life isn’t always easy- everyone has taught me that, but Tom has taught me beyond that. He’s taken the time to clear up misunderstanding and the general confusion of life in itself. What is it, though, that makes him create such an impact on me? He has become engrossed in my generation, showing us that he actually cares for us. He understands that I’m not perfect and still has a willingness to learn about me.

Leadership is nothing but a word; the Y Generation (1984-2002) seems to think that, at least. We’ve taken the people that have been placed in positions of power and called them leaders; and part of me wants to agree. They are the people with the most influence. I don’t think Tom and I will ever agree on the fact that leadership is entirely dependent on influence. A paradigm is a model; a leader is someone who guides, directs, and influences outcomes. I think the question we must ask ourselves is this: what makes a true, right leader? The problem: the definition of right and wrong seem to be different for everyone. Of course, if truth is fact, we must hunt for truth to find out what is right and what is wrong. If someone could answer the question “What is truth?” for me, I would be forever grateful. Experiences and influences seem to shape this understanding of right and wrong for us, and I hate that. Do the rules of life really come down to a simple, yet perplexing, change in perception?

I’ve compiled a list of five qualities that I think a leader should have. It is immeasurably hard to define a leader in five qualities. The list could go on and on with them, many of which that fit perfectly with the culture. Of course, the five that I have chosen go beyond the culture, and could very well stand the test of time.

Leaders must be able to understand in order to lead effectively. This one was almost obvious to me; it is hard to lead people you do not understand. It is like me trying to tell my grandparents how to use a computer. Our thought processes and language are entirely different, and if we don’t understand how to communicate with one another, there is no point in even trying to teach them how to use what I have grown up with. I can change the font on a paper in less than five seconds, while they can change the font on a paper… well, I am not entirely sure that they can. It turns into a hodgepodge of meaningless words if I do not understand how to communicate and lead them.

How can you understand someone different from you if you don’t have the willingness to learn? It’s a guaranteed fact that people will be different from you- from culture to culture, generation to generation, and person to person it will always be different. If you don’t have the open-mindedness to accept the fact that someone is different from you, and you must learn about them to be able to direct them into where they need to go, then you will never be able to be an effective leader. I’m eating these words as I type them. Is it not possible for someone to simply set an example and for people to follow, regardless of an understanding of each other? Of course it’s possible, but it changes the entire definition of leadership. It takes the focus away from the leader and puts it on the followers. I would venture to say that understanding is not necessary for leadership, but it does add a certain level of knowledge and would enhance the effectiveness of it.

I don’t know if the next three qualities mean anything now that the focus is taken away from the leaders. This list of qualities has changed at least half-a-dozen times since the beginning. The third quality I picked was negotiation. Both a leader and their followers must be willing to negotiate with one another. Negotiation makes you vulnerable; it forces you to change what you desire- that thing deep inside of you telling you that something should be done in a certain way. Problems are solved most effectively when all sides are taken into account. The ‘almost-final’ quality I chose was passion. Passion is that emotion inside you that drives you to action. We all know that a forest cannot be cut down unless you actually get up and cut it. Objectives cannot be completed with just thoughts; there must be something within you that moves you to action into your desires. This passion can be both good and bad; it just depends on where it is directed.

This leads into my final quality that not only transcends time and culture, but leadership as well. The final quality is that quality of (*insert drum-roll) love. What is love? I could write pages upon pages about this quality called love. Is it a quality, though? Maybe the quality should be defined as the ability and willingness to love, since love is an action and not an emotion or anything of the like. I think love is quite a general word and all of the qualities I’ve listed and many more could also be described as a sub-sect of what love is. People make mistakes; you must understand this in order to keep yourself from getting angry every day of your life. I’ve recently had someone whom I thought I understood tell lies to me. However much this angers me, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to handle the situation. He lied to me about everything, so what am I supposed to do? Am I to love him ‘like Christ would have done’? Are you kidding me?! Romans 13:8 says, “Owe nothing to anyone- except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law.” Wow. What a powerful verse, and a verse I struggle with constantly. I’m slowly figuring out that nobody will get anywhere if everyone is mad at everybody all the time. But still- he lied to me; to my face! Not only did he lie to me, but he lied to me and my friends. How do I treat him now? I don’t want to talk to him. My mind tells me that he can go find a new set of friends, maybe friends that will understand him or even friends that he will open up to. My heart tells me to reach out to him and be that friend that nobody else will- to love him. John Maxwell states in his book, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, that you must touch a heart before you touch a hand. Maybe I can help him out. Maybe he doesn’t want the help, though. Of course, that shouldn’t stop me from trying to be who I am supposed to be. Why is it that who you are is sometimes not who you are supposed to be? If you’re finding this is the case, you need to sit down and reevaluate. And let it be known- it isn’t a fun thing.

Of course, after listing these five qualities, my entire view of leadership just changed. Leadership is not power. It isn’t position. It’s not achievement, influence, or anything of the like. Leadership is somewhat of a relationship. Leaders are nothing without their followers, and just the same, followers can be nothing without a leader. There must be a focus on each to understand leadership. I think it should be called something other than ‘leadership’, because it is a word that doesn’t seem to fit in the followers. I think that leadership must be defined as a relationship. There are aspects of leadership that both the leader and the follower must bring to the table; it’s a two way street. I can’t make a difference in the world and have influence if nobody will follow me. As I stated above, loving them will help this. People do not understand love; it is something that isn’t supposed to make sense in your mind. Love touches people’s hearts, and with that, leading becomes much easier. This is probably why Jesus was the leader of all leaders; He understood the way things were supposed to be. That isn’t saying that He didn’t struggle with the right thing to do. If He didn’t struggle, then was he truly and fully human? He touched people’s hearts by doing the things that were unexpected of logic and from there had the biggest leading any single person has ever had.

Being a Christian, relationships are seen differently by me than the world sees them. My faith in Christ plays an extremely important part in my life. Faith makes my quality of understanding obsolete. Maybe they are used in different contexts, maybe not. Why is faith and understanding important to leadership? They don’t seem to go hand in hand. Maybe faith can be used in the risky side of leadership. But if you fully understand something, what is the point of faith? Is it faith in God, but understanding in people? I’m pretty sure God created people, and they will never be fully understood; there must be some sort of faith to it.

At the Catalyst Conference 2010, Bishop T.D. Jakes told me something that has stuck with me since. “You can’t play it safe and be a leader.” I’m working on doing that. I have the faith to take educated guesses (risks) and help guide people for a common goal; even if they don’t all agree entirely. Sometimes it’s risky just being in the position of the leader. Let’s take George Bush as an example: he had some things happen in his presidency that weren’t his fault- to blame him for everything is a fool’s idea. As a follower, the trust in the leader is immense, but you must also be willing to accept that people are not perfect. We aren’t robots. We move sometimes by emotion and other times by thought. Often times these get confused and we have miscommunications and mess up. It’s hard to enough understand yourself and how these two separate entities work; but it makes it a trillion times harder when you try and understand the people in your community. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes love. Love is not safe. Showing love is not comfortable, but there is no way to fully understand how to be loved if you cannot first learn how to love yourself.

How do we accept failure like that, though? Is it an acceptance of failure? Tolerance of failure will soon work its way into the system, it seems. Can you love without acceptance of failure? It’s almost like leadership and love are on opposite ends of the spectrum on this issue. On one side, you love people and accept fault. On the other side, you lead to become effective and impactful. How can you impact in a positive way if you are a failure, or accept those who are? There are two arguments going on in this paper, it seems. One, faith and understanding, and the other, leadership and failure, seem to just rip apart some of the common conceptions of today. Why is being a leader so complicated? Why is loving so complicated? Are we called to be both? Wasn’t Jesus both? Maybe love is not necessarily the acceptance of failure, but the fact that failure is inevitable (for we are a fallen people); so how does one avoid it best?

I feel as if saying the way to right leadership is love seems extremely cliché. It just sounds like the ‘Sunday school answer’ to a problem. I know that, in depth, love is not cliché. But how do I take this ‘Sunday school answer’ and turn it into something radical and unique? Maybe I should start living it out. How often does one see that? That is one of the hardest quests anyone could live for; maybe that’s why God gave us reason and purpose to live. It’s funny that love and live are only one letter apart; maybe they’re roots of the same word in Greek or Hebrew or Latin or some other old-language that my ancestors have spoken.

I wish I could type out my leadership paradigm in a nice little gift box, but as I said in the first paragraph, I’m not going to do that. My leadership paradigm will be entirely different a year from now than it is today. That’s how I work though; I don’t put a cap on my level of knowledge. Right now, I could list some things about my leadership style: I am strategic, I know how to communicate with people, I have a small level of understanding, I don’t have too much patience, I’m willing to negotiate, etc. That’s easy. Anyone can sit down and write about themselves at a certain point in time; it’s thinking about yourself in a way that will improve things such as your effectiveness, the image you have of yourself and image that others view you as, your power of influence, your ability and willingness to love, and consistency of all things listed here, plus many other things.

I’m not sure if I want to write a closing paragraph on this paper or not. It seems that if I stopped thinking about these things, or even made it sound such, then this paper would be entirely useless. The concepts which I’ve talked about in this essay have reached levels of thinking that I’m not entirely sure I like. I feel like this was a counseling session that gave me tons of thoughts but no answers. I’m willing to accept that, though, due to the fact that if I am persistent on trying to find answers, I will eventually get some; maybe not all, but some. Now I just need to find some people like Tom Middendorf to keep me accountable; I hear he’s pretty good at that. Until then, as REO Speedwagon sings, I’ve gotta roll with the changes and keep pushin’.



And when we think we lead, we are most led. ~Lord Byron